freak out

so i'm having a bit of a freak out. we're going to chicago tomorrow for two nights. work is stressful. and above all... luci is about to turn one.
you see, i'd heard from my friends that the first birthday is a big one. a milestone that's bittersweet and it took me a while to get it. a few of my friends babies turned one around the time lu was born and they told me they experienced a rush of emotions leading up to the big day and i tried to understand, but i didn't. luci was a tiny baby. she was brand new. in my eyes, her first birthday was far away. i didn't have to think about it. well, i blinked and now it's here. my daughter is turning one.
the signs are there. people are telling me she's losing her baby look. she's getting more hair. i think she might walk soon; she actually took a step toward me today. her personality is shining through. she shakes her head no no no while doing the thing i'm telling her "no no no" about. i'm buying 18 month old clothes. she's getting so big.
this year has FLOWN by. more so than any other year in the history of my short existence. if anything, the greatest lesson i've learned from luci and in my time as a mom is that time is so precious and each phase passes so quickly. too quickly. as i nursed her tonight and laid her in bed, i had to fight back crocodile tears knowing i won't be nursing her forever or laying her little body in her bed. one day too soon, our nursing time will come to an end. it finally hit me recently that this little kicky baby/child is not going to need my nourishment and we won't have those precious minutes 4-5 times a day where she lays in my arms nursing and the rest of the world stops. there might come a day where she doesn't want to be held much. there WILL come a day when she will want nothing to do with me and would rather spend her time with her friends. she'll go to kindergarten and college and fantasize about moving far far away from me, the thought of her mother missing her the farthest thing from her mind (as it was in my own mind only a few years ago). those thoughts make me never want to let her go.
as her pending birthday approaches, i finally get it. why the first birthday is such a milestone, one of sadness and joy. joyful in the fact that we are so blessed, that my life is so much greater now that i have luci. however, it's sad too, knowing that as my child grows and ages, so do i. that life is precious and short. that if i could, i'd keep extending this year on and on and on. you know, all the things we've heard for years but finally come to understand once we're parents.
i know i've been holding her a bit more often these past few days, kissing her a bit too much. i even rocked her to sleep this afternoon. i couldn't let her go knowing that too soon, her first year of life will be a memory. i hope i can always keep it fresh in my mind. to always remember how happy this year has been, and how big my heart has grown.