sleep milestone

lucia fully slept through the night last night. she went to sleep around 730 and woke up at 6 am. insane! i woke up in a panic at 5, chest heavy like i was smuggling bowling balls then fell asleep for another hour after i confirmed she was breathing.
now i'm not getting my hopes up as i know this might not be a nightly deal. but i thought it was a pretty big deal all the same.
she chowed on oat cereal and squash last night. i'm sure that helped keep her belly full! she is really enjoying her oats. i'm anxious to introduce another food this weekend. i think we might try applesauce next. grandma jane made her a batch yesterday! i tried it and it was tasty.
it's funny because i get a lot of eye rolls when people find out i am making my own organic food (i.e. from my own mother "why dont' you just buy some jars of baby food!" eye roll) same with my use of cloth diapers. i have to admit when my boss did it for her daughter 4 years ago- i thought it was a little over the top. this of course was pre-motherhood and before i had really educated myself on our food sources. i don't push my choices on anyone at all, and i hope i do not come off as holier than thou! when people do take the time to ask me why i decided to make my own food and use organic, i simply say the biggest reason for doing so and that is - pesticides kill living things. that's pretty scary.
if i can protect lucia from an overload of pesticides, i'm going to do that. and i figure i'm going to be cooking for her for a long time, so why not start now. i'm not going to pop in a lean cuisine for her nightly when she's on adult food in another six months. what's the big deal about making her baby food? i like to cook anyway, so i'm finding it fun. go ahead, roll your eyes! :) it's ok!

music class

lucia had her first class tonight at the msu community music school. we are in the infant/toddler class from 530-615. it was so cute. the instructors really engaged the children, had a variety of props, and really encouraged movement and repeating of sounds. of course lu didn't do much but stare and grab onto props, but i think she really enjoyed it. she loves watching other kids, as do most babies. we danced and sang and bounced around. it was really cute.
now i don't want to be one of those gross parents that force their child to do things, i.e. play a sport if they don't want to, or take dance class if they hate it, or enter them in pageants, but i do want music to be a part of lucia's life. i think it's an educational foundation, and a springboard for her imagination. with that said, i do think i will really encourage her to play an instrument and appreciate music. i love music so much and wish i knew how to play an instrument. i attempted to take a class in chicago- guitar 101- and i failed miserably. i would love to have the talent to play. i do believe some people are just born with it, but also when the value of music is instilled at a young age, a child can really benefit.
we'll see. i'm happy we're taking this class together. it's a lot of fun, and will be great for her development. plus it gives us something to do during this long winter!
on another note (no pun intended)luci is onto squash and after a few gags, seems to like it. she gobbled up an entire serving (ice cube size) tonight along with her oatmeal. we're going to move onto applesauce next i think!

1st birthdays

miss nola moore turned 1 on friday so we celebrated on sunday. nola's mom amy put together a slideshow of nola's first year. it was amazingly beautiful. besides the fact she is ridiculously talented (she designed lucia's birth announcements and i loved them the second i saw them) she chose the perfect music to set to the images to tug at my heart strings. had i not been watching the dvd in a room filled with people, i am certain tears would have flowed from my eyes in streams.
when i watched nola's year in pictures flash before my eyes, it was once again a reminder of how fast they grow and how quickly everything can change. prior to the party i was watching luci playing in her exersaucer. i was marveling at the fact that we might have to raise the level soon as she's growing so tall. not to mention how strong she is now. it seems like only yesterday we had to support her tiny head in our hands when we held onto her. it all happens so fast.
i'm a sap. always have been. but now even more so that lucia has been in my life. the love i feel for her is beyond words. she's my sweet little girl. and i want her to stay my sweet little girl forever.

slideshow

click HERE to see lucia's first photo shoot! there are some real keepers in the mix!
she also made the photographer's BLOG.
at first glance, i think this ONE might be my favorite. i mean seriously, how did my kid get so cute!?

random pix

i forgot to upload these a couple weeks ago. a shot of lu with her cousin summer, in town from AZ with fam, some shots of lu in a high chair at grandma jane's, and also some shots of her sucking her toes, her new favorite hobby!

back to good

great, now i have that old matchbox 20 song in my head from my title! anyway, lu is back to sleeping good! the sleep training need not start again. she's putting herself to sleep and taking power naps back in her crib. thank god. down at her normal time (7ish) and up around 7ish, waking once to eat. i'm wondering if now that we've introduced cereal, if her middle of the night feeding will be eliminated? if she'll slowly ween herself from it? comments about your kids are welcome. :)
i plan on introducing squash next week along with her oatmeal. i had thought about adding one more cereal first, maybe a millet or barley, but she's taking so well to the cereal, i want to try something new on her. so squash it is! i can always introduce another cereal later on.
after experimenting with timing, i do think i'll feed lu twice a day. cereal in the morning and cereal/fruit or veggie or both in the evenings. obviously i still want her to get most of her nutrients from me, so we'll continue slowly with it all. but she's seemed to have quite the appetite for oats and i'm hoping the same for the other fun foods.
new revelation now that she's on food. her poop stinks so much more and her pukes do as well! i am so glad i did not rush to feed her cereal and waited until 6 months. especially since she was and still is a bit of a puker. like i mentioned before, it has slowed down a lot, but she still manages to puke on me a couple times a week.
we had her first formal picture sitting today and it was a lot of fun. mal came and helped me as trav was of course working and i'm so thankful for that. i advise anyone taking a baby for a photo shoot to take along a helper. it was a lifesaver as one of us sat by her as she was sitting up and hamming for the camera while the other stood behind the photographer making her laugh. she was such a good girl, only needing to stop mid way to eat (hey models get hungry too!) we had an hour with unlimited clothes changes but i didn't want to push it so i kept it simple with one main outfit, some shots in her tutu grandma jane made with instructions from THIS site (ridiculously cute), some diaper shots with a signature bonnet on, and some nak-ed-y shots in which she urinated all over me and the waterproof backdrop. the photographer also provided a sweet little pink pettiskirt for some shots. i can't wait to see the proofs and will post a link here as soon as they're put online.

an awful movie

last night i watched reservation road. without giving it all away, it's about a man, who lost his son in a hit and run accident. the man (mark ruffalo who is one of my hollywood crushes!) that hit the boy is also the father of a young boy. the parallels in their lives are many, and the connections they share almost unbelievable. i was on edge the entire time, sick at the thought of going through the loss of a child. after the movie was over trav asked me WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD I WATCH SOMETHING LIKE THAT? i have to agree!
i love comedies, documentaries, or films that make you think. i hate horror films and movies that put you on edge. i have no idea why i sat through that entire movie? maybe because wife swap and super nanny were reruns? lol
many people like suspenseful movies. not me. and definitely not now. especially when it surrounds the death of a child. absolutely awful.

oatmeal cereal

tonight i made lu oatmeal cereal for the first time and she LOVED it! she'd been giving me blah reviews over her rice cereal ever since the first night i introduced it. but tonight, she loved the oats. i tasted it and it was much more flavorful than the rice so no wonder!
i bought THIS book per the recommendation of many of my baby food making friends and i'm going to dive into it tonight as i think i'll prepare some squash this weekend to start next week!
i have made good on my new years reso to read more books aside from parenting books i fill my head with. i finished the first book in the twilight series and loved it! i'm dying to see the movie and told my babysitter erica who's gotten me hooked on the book and she said she'd go with me so i don't have to go alone! i don't mind going to the movies or concerts alone but trav thinks it is so sad when i do that. lol i wouldn't go if i was sad about it but i know what he means. when my grandma used to go out to dinner by herself, it would break my heart but she didn't care, she just wanted to have a good morsel! same with me. i'm not going to not go because i don't have someone to go with me. i went to the paul mccartney concert alone once in chicago, scalped a ticket and rocked it out with a group of other women i met there, dancing the night away. same with a wilco show. and a few movies in my day and of course dinner if i'm traveling alone. so i really don't mind!

stress

it seems as if i've been working myself into a tizzy this past week (or two or three). i'm completely stressed at work, to the point i've been waking up at night, mind racing. i've lost my appetite thinking about it at times, which never happens. i'm tired from lack of sleep. i've been getting frustrated quickly over little things. trav's working night and day and we are not getting much time together. lu's been sick so her schedule has been thrown way off so that is stressing me out. instead of sleeping until 3-4 and eating, she's getting up between 1230-1 wanting to eat. additionally, she's waking for the day around 6 am, thus throwing off her naps big time. i'm introducing food and am wondering am i doing too little quizzing a lot of my friends about their feeding patterns when they just started out. i'm worried that sleep training will have to begin anew now that since sunday lu's been in her car seat sleeping upright in her crib because she's so stuffed up and we've been rocking her to sleep so she and i (and trav) can get the most sleep possible. plus she feels like crap so i want to alleviate some of her symptoms. wishfully thinking, i laid her down awake in her bed tonight with an elevated mattress and she's gabbing away happy, i pray this ends good and she puts herself down.
at times i feel like at any moment, i could snap. and that makes me feel awful! trav and i need a date and were going to go out to a nice dinner but i want to postpone it until the uncertainty of my hours a week passes. he says that's ridiculous, which is strange because he's usually the one worrying! i feel like i'm rambling, but i guess i just needed an open vent. i know we all go through this. i know, especially now, we're all stressed about money and our lives. i know i'm nothing special. i hope this passes very soon. i need to take some deep breaths!
my mom is coming tomorrow afternoon to watch lu while i get my haircut and go to the gym. i bet that's what i need. just some time to breathe and do some things for myself.

is it wrong

to want to kiss obama? if it's wrong, i don't want to be right. haha
come on now, not in a passionate way, just a friendly kiss to tell him good luck and to thank him, because i can't imagine having his job. i might add a little butt tap too for encouragement. i kid, i kid.
what a great day. i have a lot of hope for the future.

yes, it's a cold

if lu is teething, she also has a full blown cold to go with it. it's beyond a runny nose at this point. she again slept in her car seat last night and after several ups and downs she ended up having a decent night. you can tell she is pretty miserable and when she cries and i immediately pick her up, she's right back asleep, just wanting to be held. i want to hold her all day because i feel so bad for her. i just want the world to STOP and let me be with my little sweetheart.
last night i did not go (or should i say could not go) to the gym. i just couldn't bring myself to do it. so i put my pajamas on around 8 and climbed into bed to read. i passed out (literally) around 930 and trav heard lucia crying. it didn't let up for a few minutes so he came upstairs to see if i needed anything. i was sound asleep in our bed just across the hallway with her cries being heard on the monitor as well. i was completely oblivious to it. after he picked her up he raced into see if i was ok as he couldn't believe i didn't hear luci crying. i felt so terrible! i'm so in tune to her every noise and move i can't believe i didn't hear her blatant cries. in addition to being so close to her room and being able to hear her that way, i sleep facing her monitor to hear and see her because if i don't, i feel like i'm cheating on her! i have no idea how i fell into such a deep sleep i didn't hear her cries. i guess i'm exhausted. so much for saying lack of sleep doesn't affect me.

colds and teeth

lucia has a runny nose and is super congested. i've been scrubbing my hands and then feeling around her gums the past two days. i "think" i feel the makings of a tooth, then the next time i feel, i don't. i have no idea if it's a common cold (likely) or she's beginning to teethe (likely as well). in the meantime she's still a happy little girl and hasn't been affected much by it, no matter what it is.
it hit her yesterday evening, the beginnings of a runny nose. oh no i thought, tonight should be interesting. like clockwork, the poor girl woke up every half hour or so needing to be picked up and held. then after a few hours and pick ups, we couldn't put her back down at all. trav raised her bed mattress. that didn't work and i was going to resign myself to holding her all night (not that bad of a gig) but then we tried the old carseat trick in the bed. it worked for the most part, but she was still up every hour or so, needing a soothing or pacifier. maybe it was the new sleep position, but mostly i think it was the way she felt and that wasn't good.
i'm trying not to panic wondering if our past two weeks of sleep training are going to go straight down the tubes. i know sickness, travels and the like do throw a baby's sleep way off. what can i do? if it does, we'll start over. it could be worse.
additionally, i was a little freaked thinking perhaps she was having a reaction to her cereal. very unlikely and plus they say allergic reactions are a lot more than a runny nose! in fact, a runny nose really was not a symptom at all in the books i've read. rashes and trouble breathing are symptoms and she has neither. so again, i need not panic.
i must admit i am pretty exhausted. friday night i had a bit too much wine with maggie and erin and was not feeling on my game saturday morning at 3 (when lu woke to eat) or at 6 (when she awoke for the day). saturday was a good night, but last night wore me down. i'm trying not to be lazy, but i don't think i have it in myself to drag my tired a*s to the gym tonight.
mallori came over yesterday and watched luci while trav and i ran a few errands. it felt good, to be alone as a couple, even doing the mundane sam's run. it was easy to run into each store and go about our business. not that i mind running errands with lucia, it just takes a lot more planning. it was nice to make it easy again for a couple of hours.
one of our errands was moosejaw. they had a random clearance section in which i found THIS marked down from 279 to 88! we had an exchange so i got the sucker for 70 bucks. now i'm not a label wh*re but i'd been wanting this coat for a while. i always look for a bargain so i couldn't truly justify the price, but still contemplated it because a warm coat in this weather is worth it, and when you do buy quality it does last longer. well i had to justify no more when we saw the price tag of this coat. i was thrilled! i wore it this morning and realized when i left the house that i had a north face hat on and purse as well and felt like a 30 year old washed up sorority girl, but then thought screw it! i'm comfy and WARM! there's something to be said about that. and you can't be a washed up sorority girl if you were never one to begin with, and were mortified at the thought of ever being one, even at 18.
speaking of the purse, i'd been searching for a "mom" purse. something easy i could sling across my body that i could still fit the necessities in. i found it difficult to carry a shoulder purse when carrying a car seat and diaper bag (among everything else) and just wanted something easy. i found THIS and love it! i'd recommend it to any mom. i looked all over for something like it and found it online.
anyway, i had to share. i love when my friends tell me about products that work for them. the power of PR!

i may not feel good

but i'm still a happy girl!

american teen the movie

i watched THIS endearingly awkward movie last night. it's a documentary about high school seniors, focusing on each social label - jock, heartthrob, princess, rebel and geek. it was super cute and brought back a lot of memories. they compare it to a modern day breakfast club. i rooted for the rebel and wished i could have been so cool in high school and felt sorry for the geek and all geeks everywhere. i was disgusted by the jock's dad that pushed him to get an athletic scholarship or his only other alternative was to "join the army" and felt sorry for the pressure he was put under. i hated the princess at times, and loved her too because she was just trying to find her way. the heartthrob was a sweet boy had more heart than the ordinary people he hung out with, but was afraid to be different from the crowd. it's predictable but still sweet at the same time. predictable because in high school, what isn't?
i have/had a love hate relationship with high school. i would say i had a good experience, but i couldn't wait to get out because i knew there was so much more to life. i have regrets about it (mainly over being catty and petty) and every once in a while i have weird dreams about people i haven't thought of in years because i think it's some messed up part of my subconscious trying to tell me something.
after watching this film, i told trav i do not look forward to the girl fights. heart breaks and drama we'll most likely deal with when luci is in high school. when i think back to what a drama queen i was, it makes me cringe/laugh.
i remember being absolutely in love with one of my friends, who really had no interest in me. my mom told me a few years ago she got embarrassed a few times at the way i would act or basically throw myself at him, but how was she supposed to tell me to stop? i had to figure it out myself. it took a while and thank god i did. i saw him a few years ago in the dead of winter and he had the most ridiculous fake tan and talked about himself for several minutes, never once asking about my life. i laugh now but i remember when he broke my heart, i wore all black on valentine's day to rebel. and then i wrote out the lyrics to glycerine by bush and posted them on my bulletin board to read every day. (nick i added that reference for you since you won't let me forget it anyway- 13 years later!) see, it's things like that i DO NOT look forward to with lucia!
i remember being mean to certain people, because friends of mine didn't like them and i just would go along with the crowd. i regret that type of stuff. i'm a strong person, why didn't i stand up to the bullies? i certainly have no problem now. but i look back and i was also 16 years old. chalk it up to the old saying, "that's life."
i recommend this dvd. it will definitely bring up old memories and you'll relate to at least one of the characters, and might find yourself cringing as i did. the others will remind you of people you went to high school with. it's the same story at every high school everywhere, with everyone trying to fit in.

6 month check up and update

lucia is right on target with everything. i love when the doc says "she's perfect!" after her exams. she weighs 14 lbs 15 oz (so my scale was a couple pounds off) and is 26 inches long. while all her stats were right on, her attitude at the docs certainly was not. she had a full blown meltdown from the moment i got her naked to be weighed!
it was insane, and of course i had forgotten a pacifier. she rarely needs one and i hate "plugging her up" but mental note, next appointment, bring the damn thing.
i didn't understand it, she just was irate. at one point the doctor said to me "mom!" and raised her brow like it was my fault she was having a meltdown. i had to make excuses and say she really is never like this (which she isn't!)because i felt stupid. then i got pissed like come on doc, you're a pediatrician, don't act like you haven't seen bigger fits than this. she's a baby! i really like my doc, but that pissed me off. she said that maybe the little red tint in her hair is indicative of her personality, as at 6 months, they certainly do start to develop one.
so the rest of the day and weekend i've really been observing her personality and she surely has one! she does have a little spunk in her and when she's not happy, she lets me know! she also gets super excited over so many things, and opens her mouth so wide it's hysterical. i love when she comes at me with an open mouth and arms flailing ready to grab onto my face and hair and gum up on my cheeks. (i do have to tell her to "be nice" or "be gentle" because her little mitts can hurt!)
she's sitting up on her own totally now, but i still put a pillow behind her if i'm not sitting right there because sometimes she gets so wild over her toys, she throws her body back. she's rolling over from front to back now, very easily but not very willingly because she still doesn't like tummy time. i think she's capable of rolling from back to stomach but really won't make much of an effort!
she now takes a "power nap" during the day that ranges from an hour and a half to two and a half hours, with two other smaller naps ranging from 30-45 minutes.
she loves the bath and rubber duckies she plays with in there.
she LOVES her tickle me elmo doll and anything with elmo on it. she's seen sesame street and goes insane over him! (even though i feel guilty having a tv on when she's in the room because it's so tsk tsk'ed! ugh.)
she's in 6-9 month clothes and many 6 month pants are too short on her.
she now loves sucking on her big toe which is too cute.
and now as the videos indicated, we're embarking on a new adventure in food! i'm sure i'll post many more as she tries all the flavors suitable for a little one.

additional video clips

they are all really short but i'm not sure how to combine the darn things yet.


and another...


and just one more i promise!

first feast

lu started cereal today. trav took a few videos and got different angles so i have to post them all. of course i think they are super cute so i couldn't just post one. we're still getting the hang of this video camera! i made brown rice cereal today, by just grinding brown rice in a processor and simmering it on the stove. i flavored it a bit with my milk and there you have it! we'll start oats in a few days and barley cereal too. it's all super easy to make and cheap. i decided to make my own because the boxes on store shelves have no expiration date and that kind of freaks me out. it looks like i'm just spooning a ton of food, but really, she took miniscule bites so the portion probably equals about a tbsp. i was probably a little too cautious today! i didn't want her to gag. so here's the initial video and i'll do a couple more entries with the other videos. they mainly are for the grandparents viewing pleasure!

front pack

so last night trav tried baby wearing for the first time. he seemed to like it, as did lu, until she kicked him square in the junk. baby wearing can be a bit lethal for the dads if they're not careful.
we had a good laugh and it reminded me of this!

and now i will post on the economy....

you're probably thinking "oh no, not another rant by another person stating the obvious." and i promise this won't be. we've all been personally affected by the economy, but this morning, it really hit me hard. in the gut, but also in the heart.
yesterday the president of our company, who is seriously one of the best people i've ever known and because of him, i try to live a better life, sent out an email requesting an emergency conference call this morning. ugh, the pit in the stomach formed as we all knew the news would not be good. speculation began, but i think in our hearts we all knew what was coming. i'm in the advertising/PR business. we rely on outside clients to hire us to design their web sites, place and design ads, and write and distribute press releases to strengthen their brands. well, we're also the first to go when budgets are cut. let's just say, lots of budgets have been cut as of late. it's hard not to take it personally when you lose an account, but lately it has nothing to do with our work, but everything to do with money.
on the call this morning, he cut to the chase. we were going to have to go down to 4 day work weeks. everyone in the company. and because i'm already at a 4 day work week, my weeks were going to bump down to 3 days.
after putting that news on the table, he then went on to say he's putting his house and the office in TN up for sale. if he sells his house (which is spectacular- but not overly so- and he's definitely earned it from all of his hard work) he'll move his family to the remodeled living area above our office. our office is an old funeral home, and as spooky as that might sound, it's really really cool and an amazing space for an advertising agency. if he sells the office, he'll find a smaller space that costs less a month (he's paying 4 g's in utilities alone in the current office!)if he sells both, he'll move his family into their deluxe, awesome RV which sounds crazy, but this man could make it work and make it work well.
however, the likelihood is he will sell neither, as who the heck is buying amazing homes and/or offices right now? so where does that leave us all?
on the call, this strong businessman, a self made entrepreneur that built our agency from the ground up, sounded absolutely defeated. he said he felt like a failure. however, the fact that he is willing to sacrifice so much for us, his employees is amazing to me. he doesn't want to let anyone go so he's asking all of us to weather the storm together. and as we all know, it could take a while. when i got off the phone, i cried. i can't beleive it's come to this for my agency. but i also can't believe we all still have jobs.
trav and i are ok. he's really busy and is more than making up for my lost days of work. we hope it stays like this for him, which i'm assuming it will for a while. did you hear foreclosures grew by 81 percent this year alone? please i pray there is no way it could get any worse. they have to keep the rates low so people can buy and refinance to stay in the homes they already own. but what do i know? anyway, the point is, our family is ok. we'll survive for now. i'll pursue small level freelance opportunities if they are available through outside contacts and cut all unnecessary spending out COMPLETELY - which i've really worked hard to do up until this point anyway. lucia is so cheap right now so i'm not worried about any expenses for her. plus my mom buys her everything anyway. it's ridiculous. i thank god i have a husband, baby, a dog, and a home. and that i still have a job.
on our call our prez, who's done tons of missionary work said "i just need to think about nicaragua and how people there live. i hope the US never gets like that." wow, the thought of that is really scary and for so long we've taken for granted that we are the united states. but who can predict how bad things are going to get before they get better?
he also said to keep in mind what is important and that's our families. so remember how lucky we all are - and to continue to show our love, even in these stressful times.
i pray we can make this out intact as a company. these people are my extended family! i hurt to know what many of them are going through as i know some will struggle far more than i. i told trav just last night that i would hate to be mr. obama, our next president. this man has so much on his shoulders. i hope he can accomplish even a small part of everything we hope he does.

best night of sleep yet

we had our best night of sleep yet since our sleep training began! lucia went down easily around 7 and awoke as she normally does at 1130. she stirred for a moment but then put herself back down- no interventions needed! she then awoke at 3 am to eat, and was back down at 320. she was up for the day at 630 talking and i got her at 645! yeah! little victories.
when i laid her back down at 320, i thought back to how it used to take her so long to finish eating. now she's a champion chugger. i can almost drift off while rocking and feeding her, and never fully awake, but remaining relaxed. it's nice. i still get some quiet time with my girl with a lot less effort.
i jumped on the scale with her this morning and i think she weighs about 17 lbs. we'll see tomorrow at her six month check up!

winter

ok i'll just put it right out there. i hate it. and i hate to complain about it because it is only mid-january, but it really sucks!
the other day i was walking bailey and i was trying to find the beauty in it. the good things about winter. i only could come up with four things:
1. hot chocolate
2. the stillness of the air and the quietness of town because nobody is outside (which is a pro and a con in itself)
3. sometimes when the sun comes up, the pinks and purples and greys are so beautiful in the midst of the orange sun it really makes you pause and look and take it in.
4. i get a better work out when walking bailey through the snow because i burn more calories. again, another pro and con because it's a lot harder work. and i hate to be cold.
really, that is all i came up with. additionally, as i was thinking, a neighborhood dog was loose (as he always is- it's really annoying) and he came charging at bailey. i stood firm but mr beatle bailey, being about 90 lbs started to go toward the dog, thus pulling my big butt down onto the ground. i sat there because i knew if i got up, it would be a fiasco and i could potentially hurt myself. i kept telling this dog to "go home gemba!" (sp? it's named after an african drum and "one of the oldest breeds around." puke) and he would not listen. he stood steadfast in his harassment of bailey. i finally got him to come near me, and the bastard growled and bit me! his laid back owner (we call them the stoners, because i seriously think he and his wife are perpetually stoned) came sauntering over after a few minutes. he said "i saw bailey pull you down, but it shouldn't hurt because the snow is soft." oh thanks that makes it better as i'm sitting on my a*s in the snow afraid to get up. after a couple more minutes, he got gemba to go home, only to be spotted by trav a few minutes later roaming the neighborhood again to which trav and i both exclaimed "i hate that dog!" which is a bold statement for us to make, especially me, because i love dogs so much. normally i would have thrown my boots back on to go try to wrangle him up on a leash and take him home (i can't tell you how many times i've done this in our neighborhood), but after the fiasco, i said screw it and got in the shower.
my point is, winter sucks. it's inconvenient, freezing cold, makes me feel like a slob because i'd rather be home than anywhere else. and i miss my walks with miss lucia and mr. bailey, when i don't have to risk life and limb walking on treacherous ground.
spring can't come soon enough. and it's only the middle of january.

Michelle & Barack Obama's Kids Will Get Organic Lunches at School; Your Kids Will Get Bad Chicken From a Bailout You Never Heard About

something seriously needs to be done about the way our kids eat at school.
my client does amazing things and has opened my eyes to so many things regarding the food we eat and i hope by the time lucia is in school, programs like his are across the nation.
click here to read an eye opening blog about school lunches, bad bailouts, and why we should never buy tyson or pilgrim's pride chicken again.

sleep update

i'm finding on average lu is going down without a hitch (maybe one or two pick ups) and i'm still in the phase of putting her down almost asleep. i figure this weekend we'll move onto the next phase of putting her down right before the almost asleep point when she is just relaxed, but still alert. here are six phases to our "training" and since she is doing so good, it's time to move forward to phase two. i'm finding also she gets up about once a night to be resettled with a pacifier or a stomach rub and still gets up again to eat once. now however, she's bumping up her wake up time to 6ish which can be a little brutal since i got spoiled with the 7-730 wake up.
i find myself lately fantasizing about what a full night sleep will feel like again. it seems often when she needs a resettling around 1130 or so, i've just fallen into my deep sleep and when i awake, i'm completely delirious. stumbling delirious. then when i wake to feed her anywhere between 3-5, i feel a bit more rested and know i can get some more sleep, but it's still hard because i often have a hard time resettling down because i'm just waiting to see if she'll fall back asleep easily or if i'll have to put some work in (ususally she falls asleep really easily). then, when she wakes for the day, i wake with a start and sprint to her room to turn on her aquarium and pat her belly, hoping her fish occupy her for a few more minutes while i become a human again.
i long for the chance to just lay in bed and stretch properly before i bound out of bed and rush to my little one. the thought just sounds so amazing! ha i know i've said it before that i'm one of the lucky ones that doesn't get too bogged down by lack of sleep, but a full night's sleep sure sounds awesome.
lucia turns 6 months old on friday. we have her check up and i'm sure our doc will tell us to move forward starting rice cereal. i have to say, while i'm excited to see her try the cereal, i'm really not looking forward to introducing food. for one, it just means she's growing too fast. secondly, it's just more work!
b feeding exclusively has been sooo easy. no mixing of bottles or preparation, it's just there. no traveling with stuff that can be easily forgotten. additionally, now we'll have to rinse her poop off into the toilet. with b fed babies, their poo is so water soluble, you just dump your diapers into your pail and wash everythign together. now trav has to attach a sprayer to our toilet for the poo. it's way easier than having to dunk the diaps into the toilet like back in the day, but still, it's an extra step to add!
granted, everything that i thought seemed so daunting prior to having a child has been relatively easy. i remember knowing i wanted to do use cloth diapers, but being a little bit nervous it would be too much work. lots of people tried to discourage me, but i remained steadfast in my decision. i'm glad i did, because it really is pretty easy. not as convenient as disposables of course, but not bad either. i got used to the washing processes, folding and stuffing the diapers and having trav prepare our wipes and wipe solution. now it's just a part of our routine.
b feeding was another task that scared me a bit. i knew i wanted to do it and would do everything i could to make it work. fortunately for us, it came very easy to both lu and i. but i remember in the beginning, before she was here or when she was brand new wondering "should i feed her right now" or "am i feeding her too much?" or "too little?" then came the pumping. "can i produce enough while still feeding her non stop to have for her first day away from me?" and "will it fill her up?" yes and yes. that too was just a process i caught onto and i still pump almost every night before i go to bed to have a stash for her day's at jane's and to mix in her cereal pretty soon.
sleep is the other issue and we all know from my current posts where i stand with that. it's work, but we're both catching on.
my point is, i know the food introduction will be another thing in this long list of parenting responsibilities and joys that i will just catch onto and it will become like second nature. but up until now i've really enjoyed being lucia's sole source of nutrition. it's such an amazing thing, that a woman can nutritionally sustain her child from her milk alone and i'm so happy i've found such joy in that. i have a feeling that lucia will really enjoy eating other tasty morsels too and think that might just make me a little bit sad. then again, maybe it won't. i think the sad part comes from the fact that she's already six months old and truly how fast it's all flown by. i maintain my stance that god should have made infants to stay tiny infants for at least a year!

soulshine

"...soulshine,
Its better than sunshine,
Its better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Hey now people dont mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine, shine till the break of day."

i think that chorus is the one i sing most to luci. partly because my voice doesn't sound so wretched singing to the allmann bros as it does when i sing along to say, joni mitchell. but mostly because i love the lyrics and the message.
today lucia was enamored with beatle as she always is, as he remained aloof standing as far away from her as possible so she couldn't touch and pet him. however when i make him come near, he is a good boy and allows her to pet him because basically i force her upon him. anywya, she loves all dogs and just lights up when they're around.after i observed her with him, i proclaimed to trav "i think she's going to be a vet when she grows up. or a folk singer." to which he replied "oh here we go!" :)
it got me thinking though, what will she become? what is in store for little luci? i'm sure our parents didn't think "oh i think tali will grow up to be in PR," or "travis definitely will make a living in real estate appraising." no, i'm sure those were not thoughts that ever occurred to them!
at any rate, i do hope i can raise her to dream really big and go after the little and big things. that happiness means a lot more than money. that if she wants to grow up and be a folk singer, than she should go for it!
i never dreamed to be in PR. i did however want to be on TV. on the news. i majored in broadcast journalism and busted my butt doing countless internships with tv stations and in radio. i thought i was meant to be in the spotlight, and the thought of that cracks me up now. during my senior year internship at a local tv station, i had just returned from doing some insanely boring report with a cameraman who they stuck me with daily because nobody else could tolerate him. the office consisting of producers and on air talent was putting together an office pool trying to guess what famous golfer had just died in a plane crash. (it was payne steward). it struck me as so callous and sad. here some man had just died, and they were trying to make money? he was somebody's husband- someone's dad. then it hit me, do i ever want to become so hardened to the news and every day sadness that i place wagers on death? as oprah would say, i had my a-ha moment right then and there. i was not going to go into broadcast journalism anymore. the thought made my stomach turn.
so i thought, ok i'll look into PR. and that's how i ended up in the field i'm in today. by default! and because i'd spent 4 years of college studying the field of communications. i didn't really know what else was out there for me.
don't get me wrong, i've said it before, i am proud of the path i've taken. i just wonder, if i could do things differently, would i? probably. a year out of college, i applied to grad school and got into columbia for music management but didn't accept because it wasn't practical and i didn't want to plunge so far into debt i wouldn't know how to get out. i don't regret that decision at all. i'm glad music is my passion and not my career because i think i'd have found the industry ugly.
a few years ago, i applied to grad school at msu to the college of education, to pursue my master's in student affairs administration. it was so far out there, but i took a chance. i didn't get in. that was a bummer and i still wonder what would have happened if i'd gotten in. a career in higher education as an advisor would be right up my alley. but it was a very competitive program and completely different that my current career path. i know there was a reason i didn't get in. and i accepted that and moved on a long time ago. i just wonder sometimes what if i'd done things differently?
i do wish i was in a field where i could help people and feel great about what i did on a daily basis. but overall, my regrets are few when it comes to the path i've taken.
i know my parents encouraged me to go to college and grow up to be something. it was never a question that i'd attend college. i will do the same with luci.
i hope i can teach luci to find her passions.
i hope i tell her no dream is too big.
that taking chances is ok.
i hope i teach her it's ok to fail, because we all learn from our mistakes.
i hope i raise her and nurture her soul to make it shine.

bibs

i've been so caught up in this whole sleep thing that i've totally not noticed lucia's puking or i should say, lack thereof. as i was just folding her laundry, i folded only one bib. now those of you with a puker know you can go through many, many bibs a day. to only fold one in three days worth of wash is downright amazing! while she is still puking when i burp her after eating, it's VERY minimal and definitely not a daily occurance anymore. i remember when i would read at 6 months the puking slows down, i thought it seemed so far away. well we're here. and it's true. the puking really subsides at this age. what a milestone! :)
we had a good night last night. she again woke to eat only once. she went down very easily and was a great little sleeper. the only thing is she usually stirs and sometimes wakes up when trav and i are getting ready for bed. i took sarah p's advice and bought a white noise machine which has done a world of difference in blocking out the sounds of this old house. i might have to turn it up a bit because i want to slam my head into the bed at night when i watch her stirring after the noise i made as i pray for her not to fully wake. i don't want to creep around this house, but again right now my life revolves around lu and sleep!!!!
additionally, i saw twice on her monitor (once last night after i fed her and once today) that she has fully awoken but has fallen back to sleep on her own after about 5 minutes of wide eyes. yeah!!!!
i feel like such a hovering parent watching lu on her monitor all the time! it's so gross to be so obsessed, but i love the darn monitor. i hope this isn't indicative of my parenting as she grows. ahhhhh.

self portrait with babe

you have given me a gift such as i never even dreamt of finding in this life.
-franz kafka

two jidu's are better than one!

sleep training is going a-ok. we had a bit of a set back yesterday as quweetle refused to go down for her third nap of the day for her daddy thus we had three night wakings one at 830, another at 1030 and another where she needed to be rocked down at 11. woke at 445 to eat and then back down again around 6 after a few tries. she took one 1.5 nap yesterday and another 40 minute nap.
today she took two 25 minute naps and another 1.5 nap. went down good tonight after only 3 pick ups. yeah!
thanks to all the moms out there that are following along with her sleep schedule and wishing me all the best, giving me tips, etc. it's amazing how obsessive one can become over sleep! and even though i'm the only one among my best friends to be going through sleep training at the moment, so many of them have been there and just know!
in other fun news, today it was jidu's day to watch lucia. well, when i brought her downstairs to greet him, she and i were surprised with two jidus! my dad brought my grandpa to town for the day. let me tell you, there was a whole lot of holding and laughing done by both jidus. when one would leave the room, she would follow him and watch in the direction in which he disappeared for him to reappear. the sweetest site was when i came downstairs to get her to eat, my grandpa was holding her while my dad was laughing at her antics. and- they both had burp cloths over their shoulders. i wish i had a camera to capture that image!
i did take a few shots today- see link below!

now this made me think

i received this from my coworker dara yesterday via email:

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the
violin; it was a cold December morning. He played six Bach pieces for
about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was
calculated that a thousand of people went through the station, most of
them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then
hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman
threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him,
but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he
was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother
tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the
violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to
walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by
several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced
them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and
stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk
their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and
silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there
any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best
musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces
ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a
theater in Boston and the seats average $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro
station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social
experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The
outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour:
Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize
the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best
musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many
other things are we missing?

winter song

i love this.
beautiful song, sweet video.

sleep training, day three

jeeez, i sound so militant.
anyway i put lu down around 20 minutes ago and have went in twice. she's in a much better mood tonight, so much in fact she seems a bit slap happy? she was just cracking up so i went in to bring her back to reality as in "shhhhh it's time for night night." not sure if i should have left her to crack up or not? just absolutely laugh herself to sleep? wouldn't that be nice? who knows? i'd rather hear talking and laughing any day so things are improving.
i am again giving myself an hour before i rock her to sleep. here's to hoping she gets herself to sleep first like last night.
in other news, i talked to brett dunning last night, an old friend i met back in college but became good friends with in chicago (when we were both young, new to the city and unemployed with nothing better to do than to hang out, go to the beach, drink, go to museums and see the sites. no we never dated although my mom pushed it!). he called while i was at the library checking out "the no cry sleep solution" again and when i left and called him back, he asked where i was. i informed him i was checking out a baby sleep solution book. nice segway because he then said "well i might have to borrow that from you soon." AHHHHHH! it's the best now when i hear people are pregnant, especially friends! i was so excited for him. it's crazy how far he's come. this is the guy that gave us "the splits" at our wedding, literally. he was broke and getting ready to enlist in the army and we were just so happy he made it. he couldn't afford to buy us anything and we didn't care. he just told me that at the most random time of the night, he would surprise me with full blown splits on the dance floor. and that he did. it was AWESOME.
anyway, i'd just seen him and his wife a couple weeks ago and we talked kids and he immediately said to his wife "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." lol well they are crossing it. total surprise but obviously a good one.
i told him that all the cliches you hear about becoming a parent are true. your life will never be the same. the love you'll feel for the little thing is beyond words. your heart will feel like it's about to explode at any minute. you'll wonder what you ever did without your baby in your life. it's all true. you just can't even imagine it until he/she is here. wonderful beautiful news!
in other wonderful beautiful news, after only three interventions and not one tear, miss thing is asleep. i am afraid to breathe for fear she will wake up, even though i am rooms away. this is unreal.

a much better night

lucia fell asleep in her crib after only 7 interventions last night. quite an improvement over our 19 the night before. additionally, i only had to pick her up and reassure her twice and lay her back down. she fell asleep on her own as opposed to the night before when i did finally give up and rock her down.
additionally, last night she awoke only once at 1030 when i went in to move her blanket off her face and again at 330 when i did the same thing. the 330 one was warranted as she needed to eat, however i wanted to slap myself silly at 1030 when i caused her to stir. i'm just so paranoid about her not being able to pull the blanket off her face. they say at 6 months it's absolutely fine to introduce a lovey, but that does not stop my paranoia. when she awoke at 1030 she settled with me laying my hands on her and telling her to shhhhhhhhh go back to sleep. so that was fairly easy. but still.
at 330 when she woke and ate, immediately after i laid her back down relaxed but awake she of course started tooting and i thought she was filling her pants. i changed her only to find an empty diaper and that set us back a bit in her resettling back down as the change woke her fully up. it took two rocks (not asleep, just relaxed) and about an hour to get her back to sleep on her own but this was accomplished with no tears!
i went to the library last night to recheck out the no cry sleep solution by elizabeth pantley and reread it while watching the ever awful bachelor. good reading and affirmation i'm doing the right thing for us.
luci woke up for good around 8 this morning. i'm refreshed and while still feeling sick with a cold, i do feel better after using my neti pot religiously, drinking tons of tea and vitamin c and also drinking my coworker katie's tried and true cold remedy. recipe below:
a cup of chicken broth
a clove of mashed garlic
salt
and an aspirin (which i couldn't take because i'm b feeding- can't write the full word or my web site gets blocked by my mom's server at school- RIDICULOUS)
katie also follows her remedy up with a beer but i wasn't feeling that!
i don't want to celebrate prematurely but last night was a great night. yay for my sweet girl!

here we go again!

and the pit in my stomach is already growing! so last night wasn't the greatest of nights, she got up at 1030 and was pacified with a pacifier but then we were up continuously from 12-2 switching rocking her to sleep. she finally fell back to sleep, but not after a fight. she got up to eat at 330, went down easily at 4, back up at 6, down again at 630 up for good at 715.
i'm trying everything again tonight. i just laid her down at 645 and again i'm going to give us a minimum of an hour. if it doesn't work by 745 or so, i'm back in there to get her to sleep by rocking her.
right now the stinker is gabbing away after i just laid her down completely relaxed (she would have fallen asleep if i'd rocked her for a couple more minutes) and it seems as if she's wide awake. hey, at least she is not crying.
at least this gives me good opportunity to blog. even though i hate sitting at my desk after sitting at it all day long, i really have no where else to go because if i lay in bed i'll get too comfortable and i don't want to run up and down the stairs. it would be good exercise but i lose valuable seconds in my running back and forth.
erica was back today- thank god. we were both so happy to see her as she is so good with luci. they had a good day when it came to playing and hanging out, but when it came to naps, well that was another story!!! luci put up quite a fight for her three naps, taking a whopping 15 minute nap for her second nap and fighting with erica on the first and third naps. erica said she woke up 4 times each time before she fell asleep for about an hour each time (with an intervention both times half way through). hey i'll take the hour naps! and i'm not making erica implement the sleep training. that's not fair and way too hard for a 23 year old to have to deal with when she's not the parent!
anyway, i hate bitching in these recent posts because i want it to be clear that lucia is a wonderful, healthy, happy baby. she's just a stinker right now when it comes to sleep. i'm frustrated, but not to the point i resent her or what she's doing. i know she doesn't know any better!
i'm just going to keep plugging away.
i know i mention i read a lot of books, one of them being "baby 411." i've consulted it for a lot of things, i.e. how much a baby should poop, what is the average number of sleep for each age, what to do when a baby has her first cold, etc. and i've gotten a lot of great tips from it. i got it as a gift and actually bought it to give as a gift because it's a great book to have in a pinch. however, there are a few tings in teh book that make me want to look at the authors (who are mothers and one is a doctor) and say "really?"
they've said:
1. sometimes your husband might feel neglected, make sure to give him a weekly massage. oh cool! that's top on my list of priorities.
2. they are strong advocates for crying it out and suggest "making love with ear plugs when implementing the tactic."
3. they say that babies should not have a pacifier beyond 6 months and to take it away between 4-6 months. come on! you can't reason with a baby!
so while i do value books, i am not living by them 100 percent if you know what i mean. messages i do take from several books i read include:
1. the idea that your baby is trying to manipulate you is wrong. just let that idea go. (dr. sears)
2. parenting doesn't end when the lights go out and you're tired. there will be many times when your child needs you at night (natural family living)
3. stop treating your 6 month old like a newborn. she's maturing and you need to as well. (baby 411)- i should add- i totally agree with this, as much as i hate to.
i also need to mention that A LOT of my friends chose the cry it out method and their children are well adjusted little sprouts. i'm not dogging them and they know that! it's just not MY first choice. we're all different adn we're all good moms!

not tonight

i was up 19 times from 7-810 walking to and from our office to lu's room.there were several times i thought she fell asleep, but those brief teases only lasted a few minutes. finally i picked her up at 810 and held her and rocked her. immediately she was asleep in my arms. i put her down at 818.
tomorrow is a new day!

sleep training starts now

ugh i hate that phrase "sleep training" but here goes.
after over two weeks of terrible waking and little sleep, i told trav we have to be diligent in lucia's sleep training starting NOW. she's six months old almost. in every book i have read they say anything goes up until 4 months, but by 5 months, babies really start to develop patterns and are aware of their surroundings. by training, i by no means want to imply that we are going to be militant, but we are going to teach lucia and learn ourselves how to put her down relaxed BUT awake so she can learn to fall asleep on her own without being rocked. of course i still want to allow myself that "luxury" of rocking her to sleep because i love it so, but i also don't want to cheat her out of her being able to "wind down" on her own and relax in her bed watching her aquarium and chilling out.
i just started tonight. 10 minutes ago. she's wide awake and most likely getting ready to chuck her pacifier (i'm watching her on her monitor).
i plan on going in and soothing her when she fusses and trying to avoid picking her up. now if she cries, that is a different story. but walking back and forth to soothe and reassure her is my plan for the night. i'm exhausted but i have to do it.
i wanted to start last night but i was really sick. of course. my immune system SUCKS. so trav was great and got up with her each time to rock her (we normally take turns). i only got up once to feed her as i normally do. other than that it was all trav. thank god i married such a great man. not that parenting duties should not be split equally. it's just i know a lot of women who aren't as lucky as i am in the husband department. but that's another blog post for another day!
i should add, last night i could not lay flat on my back without my ears and throat hurting pretty badly. it was strange. a few nights ago, every time we put luci down on her back, she would cry it seemed in pain and i couldn't figure it out. i wonder now if she was hurting like i was last night? yet another reason i do not want to implement "crying it out." how do we know in this first year of life, with all the growing, teething and developments, that while our babies are crying, it's because they are indeed in pain?
i'm so torn about this "training" and want to continue to rock her to sleep as it's been so easy thus far. however with her frequent night wakings as of late, i feel like i need to move forward in her development and help her learn to self soothe. i think it would be easier right now to continue to rock her every time she wakes, however i am afraid her night wakings will continue or increase and we can't function if that is the case. i'm also torn because i do think they wake for a reason, even if the only reason is to to be near us. i don't want to deprive her (or me) of that. but again, i have to stress, i want her to learn to self soothe.
i read a lot of natural family parenting books which i love and live by, but many are strong advocates of the family bed and co sleeping. we do not do this. not that i'm against it, i think it's a wonderful thing, it's just not something we wanted to do. in these books, they are strong advocates for answering to a baby in every night instance, which in theory sounds wonderful, but after only a few weeks of bad sleep, we need something else.
i think how nice it is to chill out in my bed, to unwind after a long day before i go to sleep. i try to relate it also to lucia and think she'll find it nice too when she figures it out. that she doesn't always need mommy or daddy to rock her down. that lying alone is nice and soothing too.
am i crazy? i hope i am doing the right thing. i am going to try this tonight for one hour. that is my limit. if it doesn't work, i will pick her up, rock her and try this method again tomorrow. i'm too tired to be super hard core tonight, plus babies don't need "hard core."
i'll post again to record how this went. so far it's been 30 minutes and i've went in to soothe her 9 times. more later...

burying our parents

sorry for the morbid title, but i just keep thinking "we are way to young to be burying our parents." monday, maureen's, aka "the dude" dad died. he had a heart attack at home and died in their living room. he was 61. today was the funeral.
nearly 5 years ago, lindsey's dad died of cancer. it's unbelievable to me that two of my best friends have lost their fathers. the first thought that comes to my mind and many minds is that 1. they will never be able to walk their daughters down the aisle and 2. they didn't get the chance to be grandparents, god's reward for growing older.
it makes me so sad.
naturally, during the funeral today, as the priest, his brother and his son were honoring him with words and memories, i thought about what it would be like to bury my dad. i can't even imagine. you take for granted your parents in so many ways for so many years, but i think finally, i've learned to appreciate them and honor them as they should be. i'm happy i gave them the greatest gift i could give, lucia, as my mom says is "the first diamond in her grandy crown." i don't even want to think about my life without them in it. both my parents and my in-laws.
i remember when i was 8, my grandpa died. he was 58. i thought it was a natural thing, i mean, he was "old" in my eyes. i unfortunately don't remember much about him. isn't that sad? he was a big runner, so i remember his races and him always running fun runs with me and ryan, always running our pace in which we seemed to always come in dead last. i remember when i was sick once he and my grandma dee brought me blue moon ice cream, that i gobbled down and puked up later. i don't think i've eaten it since, but when i see it, i think of him. i remember when my brother justin ate an entire bottle of baby tylenol, my mom freaked out and had to give him something to puke it up, so my grandpa came over to drive him up and down the driveway until he got sick. once ryan was riding a big wheel around his pool in the fall and fell in, and i remember my grandpa diving in after him. we called him papa. i remember the most random things. he looked like gene wilder, with a curly perm and tan from running outside. he was super fit and a funny guy. i think my mom looks like him. he had cancer and died a few months after diagnosis, it was so aggressive. i remember when he died my mom was pretty depressed for a few months. i think back now and wonder how she coped with four kids, and to top it all off, mallori was an infant. about luci's age. i wish i'd known him better. i'm lucky my dad's parents are still alive and have always played a huge part in our lives. and now they too can enjoy lucia. she's lucky too.
as i reflect on life and death and what's fair and unfair, i do still believe in god's master plan. there has to be one. i know it rarely makes things easier, but we have to trust in that.

it's a new year

we had a much better night last night but i wasn't so sure we would. lucia was super fussy in the evening and refused to take any sort of nap so immediately we were worried. at 5 pm, i broke down. after holding and rocking her for an hour, she was so squirmy and uncomfortable, literally hitting me in the face and flailing, i had to lay her in her crib. i walked out and the sobs started. i calmly told trav "you have to hold her" and i walked downstairs and lost it. my sweet boy bailey, my ever loyal companion, sat next to me and offered me his head to pet while i cried. i love him so much and even shed a few tears for him, as these past couple of weeks haven't been easy for him either. he is so in tune to me and lucia now, and knows when i'm stressed. he also hates her cries. non dog lovers can blame it on the fact that he might just hate the sound of them, but those who have a special bond with their pets know better. he's such a loyal dog. a crazy pain in the butt most of the time, but a loyal and good boy nonetheless! i wouldn't trade him for the world. anyway, after a few moments of self doubt, frustration and pity, i bundled up, and took bailey on a walk for about a half an hour.
in the cold i gathered myself ( a reassuring call with the nooks helped as well) and came back inside, ready to work again. i returned to lucia's bedroom to a daddy and baby happily gabbing away in the dark- no sleep to be had. we gave up and went downstairs and had a good hour and a half or so of playtime before we attempted to put her to sleep.
as many moms know, bad sleep patterns during the day translate into the night. you'd think if a baby is so worn down from lack of daytime sleep, they'd crash at night. wrong. yet another lesson of motherhood. surprisingly though, lucia ate and went down with no hesitation and after only a couple periodic re-binks, she slept until 3, ate and went down again until 730! wow. i should add, she completely blew her pants out at 330 am and i think that helped TREMENDOUSLY.
we were such nervous wrecks all night though not knowing what to expect we went into our bedroom at 930 to watch tv and stay close to lu. i ended up passing out by 10 while trav worked. pathetic.
yes we did give up our night in detroit with friends. and yes, it was a bummer. i know i let my friends down by canceling out and i am guilty over it. what it boiled down to was being a good friend, or being a good mom and i had to choose the latter. i'm finding that mom guilt translates into every area of your life.
so now it's a new year. i resolve to stop being so hard on myself. to stop worrying about what other people think so much. i resolve to tone up my mom body more and be comfortable in a bathing suit in florida when we go in april. (no false dreams of a two piece or even a tankini for this girl, these stretch marks from pregnancy will never see the light of day again! give me a cute one piece and i'm happy.) i want to enjoy some books that aren't about parenting (perhaps the twilight series everyone is telling me i have to read!) i want to do more walk/runs for charity. but most importantly, i will live every day in attempts to be the best mom i can be. happy new year everyone.